Why Am I So Anxious in My 40s?
The connection between chronic stress, hormones and your nervous system
Why do I suddenly feel like this?
I used to be so calm and in control. And while life always had its ups and downs, there wasn’t this permanent state of low-level anxiety that I just can’t seem to shake.
This sense of impending doom. Worrying about things that never bothered me before. Every little thing feels like a mountain to climb. Small things become overwhelming. I’m irritable, emotional and constantly on edge.
Even when I’m supposed to be relaxed in the evenings, sitting on the couch watching TV, everyone is home, cosy and safe, I still can’t shake this feeling that something bad could happen.
You start wondering what has happened to the woman you used to be. You miss her. You don’t know what shifted or how you went from feeling relatively normal to suddenly believing every little sensation could mean you have a serious illness.
You’re constantly on Doctor Google, uploading pictures of a mole you’re now convinced looks darker than it used to, or wondering whether that headache is a sign of impending doom.
Sound familiar?
I work with women like you. I’ve been you!
And it’s something we need to talk about a whole lot more.
Behind all the “I’m grand” that us women are telling everyone, there can be a much deeper fear and a feeling that we’re completely lost. That our bodies no longer feel like our own.
We’re losing our memories, forgetting why we walked into a room or what we were about to say mid-sentence. Suddenly, remembering what we went upstairs for seems harder than Pythagoras’ theorem.
And we’re quietly wondering what the hell is happening to us.
You’ve spent years putting everyone else first
For many women, this doesn’t happen in isolation.
You’ve spent years, sometimes most of your life, being conditioned to put everyone else’s needs before your own.
And suddenly your body is saying: I’m exhausted. I’m overwhelmed. I feel taken for granted. I’m running on empty.
You start snapping at your children or your partner, or just bursting into tears over something seemingly insignificant. And everyone looks at you as though you’ve lost your mind.
But let’s look at what you’ve actually been carrying.
You’ve spent decades being the person everyone depends on. Carrying the mental and emotional load of family life.
You’re the go-to person for everything and everyone. Remembering every birthday, every activity schedule, every appointment, everyone’s favourite foods, who eats what and, more importantly, who doesn’t!
You’re the permanent grown-up.
And that constant state of responsibility takes its toll.
If you have additional pressures, such as caring for a child with additional needs, managing illness, supporting an ageing parent or navigating difficult relationships, that pressure is multiplied.
You live in a state of high alert.
You’re brilliant at firefighting and problem-solving. There has never been a crisis you haven’t managed to handle.
And yet, knowing how to relax and actually feel good? That seems like some elusive state of being that belongs to other people. No matter how hard you try, you just can’t seem to get there.
Your body has become accustomed to chaos. Being on alert feels familiar, while slowing down can feel strangely uncomfortable.
You’ve learned to accept the bare minimum, to manage everything yourself and that it’s often easier to do it yourself than ask someone else for help.
But how long can you keep doing that?
Why self-care isn’t always the answer
You’re probably sick of people telling you that self-care is crucial, that you need to put on your own oxygen mask first and all the other well-meaning clichés.
Your body can’t simply switch off because you’ve decided it’s time to relax.
And no amount of bubble baths will resolve chronic stress.
Don’t get me wrong, a soak in the bath isn’t going to hurt. But sometimes it’s just a short pause in the chaos rather than a solution to what’s causing it.
Positive thinking isn’t going to fix everything either.
Women need more than another thing to feel guilty about not doing!
We’re already carrying so much judgement. Our appearance, our children’s behaviour, their appearance, our homes, our relationships, our careers.
It can feel as though women are held to impossibly high standards.
We’re expected to have the perfect home like a 1950s housewife, meet the emotional, physical and mental needs of our husbands and children, work as well because equal rights, and somehow make sure we’re not messing up our children in the process.
We’re supposed to be zen, sexy, successful, emotionally available, financially contributing, present mothers and attentive partners.
And we’d better prioritise ourselves and our marriages too, or apparently our husbands might leave us!
The list of expectations is exhausting to type, never mind actually live.
Is it any wonder so many women feel overwhelmed?
And then there’s the new buzzword: Perimenopause
Everywhere women in their 40s look, they’re being told that the next decade of their lives is going to be torturous.
God help anyone who gets in their way!
Their husbands are terrified they’ll lose their wives, their sex lives and everything else they’ve come to know. Meanwhile, women are being bombarded with information about what is about to happen to their bodies.
I have so many women coming to me who are genuinely terrified that their life is over. Their anxiety is already through the roof before they’ve even experienced some of the changes they’re worrying about.
I get sent at least 50 menopause memes a week. It is everywhere!
Now, let’s be clear. Hormonal changes during perimenopause are real, and they can have a significant impact on how we feel.
Oestrogen fluctuates, sleep can become disrupted, and changes in hormones can influence mood, anxiety and emotional wellbeing.
Some women experience increased anxiety, low mood, irritability, brain fog and difficulty sleeping.
And when you’re already exhausted from years of carrying the mental and emotional load, these changes can feel like the final straw.
Poor sleep affects how we function the following day. We’re tired, struggling to concentrate, barely functioning, and yet somehow still managing to keep everything together.
I have gone down many rabbit holes researching this because I genuinely believe we need to have a different conversation about women’s health.
I don’t believe women should simply be told to expect to suffer through this stage of life.
We need better information, better support and a greater understanding of the relationship between our hormones, our stress levels and our overall wellbeing.
Perimenopause isn’t a life sentence. And being in your 40s doesn’t mean you have to resign yourself to feeling anxious, exhausted and disconnected from yourself.
So, how do you start feeling like yourself again?
There are things you can begin doing to support your body, your mind and your nervous system.
Not another 25 things to add to your already ridiculous to-do list. Just some simple places to start.
1. Stop talking to yourself like you’re your own bully.
Your inner voice can be the cruelest one you hear.
Pay attention to how you speak to yourself. Would you speak to your best friend, your daughter or someone you love in the same way?
Start noticing the criticism, the judgement and the constant feeling that you’re not doing enough.
You deserve a little compassion too.
2. Move your body.
Movement can be one of the most helpful ways to support your physical and emotional wellbeing.
It doesn’t matter what form it takes. Stretching, weights, running, yoga, dancing or simply getting outside for a walk.
Your body needs opportunities to move, release tension and experience something other than sitting in a constant state of stress.
We hold tension in our minds and bodies, and movement can help us reconnect with ourselves.
Think of a zebra after escaping a lion. Once the immediate danger has passed, it shakes its body. It’s a fascinating example of how animals respond physically to stress.
We too can benefit from gentle movement, shaking and practices that help us reconnect with our bodies.
And if you fancy joining one of my flow classes, you’ll be very welcome!
3. Try a sensory shower.
This might sound a little unusual, but try showering with the lights off or turned down, provided you can do so safely.
Keep the bathroom safe and clear of obstacles, use a non-slip surface and make sure you can reach everything easily.
Allow yourself to focus on the sensation of the water, the sound, the warmth and the feeling of being present.
It’s a simple way to step away from the constant stimulation and give yourself a few moments of quiet.
Sometimes the simplest things can make a difference.
4. Stop trying to do everything alone.
This one is important.
You cannot keep carrying everything and expect yourself to feel differently.
Find someone who understands you. Someone you can talk to without having to explain or justify every feeling.
Ask for help. Set boundaries. Start recognising where you’re taking responsibility for things that don’t belong entirely to you.
And if anxiety is becoming persistent or affecting your everyday life, speak to your GP or seek appropriate professional support. You don’t have to figure it all out on your own.
You haven’t lost yourself
Perhaps the woman you used to be isn’t gone.
Perhaps she’s exhausted.
Perhaps she’s spent years being everything to everyone, managing the chaos, keeping the plates spinning and making sure everybody else is okay.
And somewhere along the way, she stopped checking in with herself.
Your body isn’t your enemy. It’s communicating that something needs attention.
You don’t need to become better at tolerating stress, pushing through exhaustion or ignoring what you need.
You need to start understanding what’s happening within you and give yourself the opportunity to respond differently.
This is the work I do.
Through my work with The Womb Initiation™, I bring together nervous system regulation, somatic practices and emotional healing to help women reconnect with their bodies and rebuild a sense of safety within themselves.
Because life in your 40s, 50s and beyond shouldn’t be about simply surviving another decade.
You deserve to feel calm, connected, comfortable in your own skin and excited about what’s still ahead of you.
You haven’t missed your chance to feel like yourself again.
